Disagree? You’re Dead to Me
Political disagreements poison some friendships but nourish others. Why?
Do you have friends who vote differently from you or who disagree with you about important political issues? In these relationships, do you relish a debate or avoid dredging it up? Have you lost friends to political arguments?
Most of us have experiences on both sides: we have lost some friendships, but remain close with other friends whose views differ from ours. No matter how these disagreements affect us, we may worry about whether we are managing them well.
On one hand, a difference in policy preferences can reflect a deeper difference in values, and it may seem to reflect badly on us if we remain close with someone whose values are — from our point of view — wrong. On the other hand, it might also seem to reflect badly on us if we live in a social echo chamber. How, then, should friends handle political disagreements?
First, we might ask how political differences relate to the core benefits of friendship. If we are lucky, our friends support us when we are struggling, take pleasure in our company and delight us with theirs, and offer us the satisfactions of understanding another person and being understood. Aristotle believed that friendship also offers an occasion for mutual moral apprenticeship: by sharing our perspectives and our advice, we help each other live more virtuously.
Must we align our political views in order to enjoy these forms of closeness? That is not a rhetorical question. Discovering differences between our values may make it difficult for us to feel seen and understood, and may impair our trust in the other person’s care for us. We might feel disgusted and disconnected when we learn that they support a policy or politician we abhor. We might find it unpleasant to talk to someone who is always dishing out political talking points or reeling us into a debate.
It is worth noting that some of these challenges are rooted in the ways in which we discuss political differences. Some friends love to bond over how much “we” love this and hate that, a style of connection that screeches to a halt when “we” disagree. Some friends love to spar, and can challenge one another mercilessly with no love lost. But when one friend tries to strike up conversations that the other finds offensive, obnoxious or condescending, it is up to both of them to find a new way of connecting. That might mean treating politics as a demilitarized zone in the relationship, or setting new rules of engagement that both friends can live with. If your friend can’t or won’t collaborate on a solution, that friendship has probably run its course.
There are also cases where the threat to friendship is deeper — where political differences lead one or both friends to doubt that the other is a good person. This can do irreparable damage to the mutual respect at the foundation of any close relationship. But before giving up, it is worth asking whether the care and affection between you can move you to approach it with curiosity. You might genuinely wonder how someone as thoughtful, intelligent and kind as they are could end up with that perspective. If you can access that curiosity, I have great news for you: you just happen to know such a person, and if you ask nicely, they might be willing to help you see how the world looks to them.
At their best, politically heterogeneous friendships inspire us to be our best selves in a surprising way: not by giving us someone to emulate, but by giving us a reason and a method to interrogate our deepest moral convictions. In rare cases, one friend might change another’s mind. But even in the more common cases where both friends emerge from their conversations feeling confident in the views they started with, they will probably come to understand one another’s perspectives better. Equally importantly, they may come to better understand themselves.
Have a question? Send them to ponderings@boernean.com.
